Fuck it, I'm 30.

Another year gone, another year closer to death. And with this I guess I could close this blog and go to sleep, for like 20 years or so. And wake up around 50, because apparently this is when you feel that 30 is. Young.

I've been terrified of dying since I was 3. And ever since it was possible, I have been living my life as if I were to die the next second. I will admit that this is kinda intense, but I had never thought that it might be a problem. Or that it might be (too) tiring - am finding that sometimes, it might just be, too tiring. I have been close to death once. I felt it. It was crisp, clear, silent, and very close, and it did not bother me much at the time (only afterwards it was ohmygodohmygodohmygod).

I am coming closer to death now, as i'm growing older (damnit!) and leukemia (a.k.a the bitch) is once again threatening people around me. I guess the main problem with this kind of possibility of death is that it is much more overwhelming than the one you walk into because you just enjoy doing stupid things. And you can't just kick it in the balls and tell it to "LEAVE MY FRIENDS ALONE!"

So yeah. 30. And rambling (still). Might still have 30 good years in me, so this is not the end of the universe, although it sure feels like it.