Projecting boulder problems

I wanted to write a very insightful post about projecting. About how it's important to get all the moves wired on a particular problem. How it's important to save your energy and not give it 200 attempts EVERY TIME you try it, but give it 20, and commit 100% to each and every one of them. About how it's important to really want it, and I mean really really want it, but not want it so much that it clouds your focus.
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And then I realized that I can't write this post. Not after giving Master Bates 250 attempts* over the weekend (really, I only did one other problem and tried another one).  In these 250 attempts, I got very close to the end (within millimetres!!) exactly five (FIVE) times.

- the first time I got to the second last hold and had forgotten what to do
- the second time I had a plan but it was the wrong one: I cannot power through the sequence at this point as my power endurance is shit.
- the other three times I just could not step high enough. Once it just hurt too much - my wrist joint detached itself (hallelujah for the tape!) and it just hurt too much. Another time I got distracted by my spotters (they were superiorly excited!).

I also realized that I probably cannot focus correctly. That wanting the send makes me so anxious that I start shaking (only mentally thank fuck because otherwise I would have to use the core to control the bodily shakes as well!) and loose all the mental juju. And then I start to think about my spotters. How they're so excited and cool that I must send it for them! I also must send it such that they stop spotting and move to greener pastures! For me to move to greener pastures!

I also cannot rest between attempts. I CHARGE!! ROAR!! at the project and it flicks me off its shoulder like a stoopid little fly that I am (if only I had wings though!, zzz). My best attempt is the first one but I do not seem to be able to give up if I fail, even after the 50th attempt, and not even after my performance degrades significantly.   Because I am tired, the attempt is half assed and does not win me anything except more frustration. But, true to form, I do not quit.

Thinking back at my previous projecting experience, it was only after giving up all expectations of myself that I could actually do it. Hm. I probably am my worst enemy. That, and too fat, too old, and too weak for this sport. PFfft.

* Or what seemed like 250 attempts - I did not count them - I wish I had enough skin to give it so much.