Fear

I have been munching on this subject for a couple of days now but I think that by the end of this post it will still be in a "draft" phase. What is the subject? My fear of lead climbing, of course ... Now as with any things in my life at least, if it is something that I really like, then it's most definitely out of reach or I am not good [i suck] at it. This is of course the case of leading and of rock climbing. I love the way the rock feels and the way my body feels when I move like I am supposed to. But then ... But then I can't lead! Or more precisely, I can lead, if leading means resting on every difficult step on the route, or if it means shaking like a leaf whenever I am close to the next bolt and I haven't clipped. Like Saturday for example, when I was resting on the third bolt and I was trying to trick Sandra into believing me that my left elbow hurts and I don't want to go any further. She didn't believe me (of course) and I got so pissed at myself for resorting to that pathetic trick that I passed the first crux, got to the pinch, crossed to the sidepull, got to the crimp, found myself at the level of the next clip and one meter and a half away from it ... By now my anger had worn off and I froze (yet again) and pathetically had to grab the clip. The rest is history.

I have noticed that even if I am leading and I am boulder-comfortable away from the ground (which means that if I were to boulder I would not mind falling from that height), it's still very uncomfortable for me to climb. This fear is of course translated into the fact that I overgrip every hold that I lay my hands on ... overgripping is very consuming for me, especially since my grip is not light to begin with ... So anyhow by the third bolt I really need a rest, and since I am so tight the only possible way of resting is hanging on the rope, since I can't trust meself to rest on the route.

It does get better if nobody is watching me climb (other than my belayer, who knows by now how pathetic I am). And if somebody who is watching me climb kinda wants to help and tells me to relax ... My feet start tapping the Morse code like I'm in World War II! Until some months ago every time I lead I kept seeing one of my friends falling backwards, hitting his helmet on the rock with a loud bang and getting the rope burn of his life (even on his armpit brr). I managed to sort of shake this image after my first serious rope burn but it still haunts me sometimes.

I am hoping that with a lot of practice this will go away, but I am not so sure... The adrenaline rushes that I get are really tiring. BUT, as a plus for IR, this saturday I did not boulder at all! (normally, I would use bouldering as an excuse not to lead). So, hooray for me!