IR iz philosopher

There is a word that really disturbs me when I hear it: "expat". I resent being called an expat because it has such an aggressive meaning, at least for me. I think this is because you can divide it into "ex-pat", where "pat" is the first part of a romanian word meaning country (or latin word for that matter, "patria" = lat., country). My country has not disowned me and I have certainly not renounced my citizenship to my country. I don't feel less of a romanian or more of a singaporean by living in Singapore. What does living abroad make you? Confused, at least! Do you carry a part of your country with you wherever you go? If yes, how do you carry it? Is it in language? In habits and upbringing? In friends and community?

If it's in language, then I am totally losing it. I am starting to feel that when I start to talk or write in Romanian it's like I am recovering from a stroke or similar. My thoughts are starting to form themselves in a mixture of english and romanian that is disturbing me when I start to talk in either language. Maybe it's because of all the books in English that I have been reading. Maybe it's because I haven't had an intelligent conversation with my romanian peers (Marian excluded) for months. Maybe it's because I should be keeping this blog in romanian (or start a new one?). I still have to figure it out.

As for friends, gimme a break! It's almost useless trying to keep in touch with all my friends from back home, so I limit myself to a few, and then only through YM. As for friends here, I suppose acquaintances is more of a better word. Friends as in you-can-wake-me-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night-no-matter-what-
pat-on-the-back-kick-in-the-ass are very hard to come by. Most people in the romanian community*, or at least with those I have come to know, unfortunately generally occupy themselves with gossiping about others. It's hard to make friends when gossip is your only subject: you run out of gossip material, you cannot confide because you know you end up as gossip material, and it's so puerile it's annoying!! So you're left with acquaintances, maybe go to a movie sometimes, out to dinner, maybe sometimes shopping (though very seldom - I think it's more comfortable to shop with friends) and stuff like that.

Community is out of the question, by the above reason. I think a defining trait of romanians is that most of them are more preoccupied with what others are doing (or with how badly the others are doing) to take a good look at themselves.

Maybe you are a citizen of your country no matter where you go by your habits and upbringing. By the food you eat, by what you think is polite or impolite, by the way you greet people or the way you give presents. Who knows? Maybe you're a citizen of your country by the way you remember your country long after you've left it. I remember the smell of silver fir trees and snow on a very cold winter morning, on a balcony in a house overlooking a troubled river, in Lacu Rosu, Romania.

*[As for making asian friends, it's hard enough to be an ang moh here, let alone one that always speaks her mind, and can be thought, by some local standards, well ... nuts. Nevertheless, I have found more compassion and friendliness in my asian friends than in my romanian acquaintances here]