I guess

My previous [longer] relationship was with a disturbed alcoholic that had commitment problems and father-figure issues. We loved each other to the end of the moon and back and we fought extremely often and everytime we fought like it was world war 2 all over again. He had a communication problem and i thought that everybody can go and fuck themselves if they don't like me. I entered that relationship as a spoiled girl and emerged, with commitment problems and father-figure issues (actually, i had the latter from before), but definitely a much wiser woman. [Oh yeah!]

Nowadays, while Marian is god's send on earth (in terms of patience, love, companionship, friendship etc) I still notice that we fight like it's fucking world war 3 again. The reason is that I can't just let go of things. And he can't either (but don't tell him that I said so). And then i get super pissed of and reach the conclusion again that people can go fuck themselves if they don't like me.

And with respect to non-climbing friends (or acquaintances sadly) for the past few months I have been conducting an experiment, in which I do not ask people how they are doing, or ask them to go out and do stuff together, but rather wait to see who asks and who cares. This was a direct consequence of the fact that I was writing the thesis and it. was. sapping. me. of. everything. Fullstop. period. The sad result of this experiment is that nobody asked and nobody cared. And of course i started to remember how when their respective lives where going downhill I was there to comfort, listen, and care.
Now of course the logical answer from me is just a big FUCK YOU, a shrug, and a slammed door (I be good at that).

Do we notice a trend here? I guess we do. I notice that things with somebody can be either super cool or they can go fuck themselves. It's kinda sad and I hope it does not make me bi-polar or anything. The even sadder part about this is that it's getting a bit lonely here people*! A bit like high-school but not quite, since the guy I am smitten with is my boyfriend and I no longer think I am fat and ugly.

* Now don't get me wrong, I will not go and jump off the roof of COM2 clutching a note that says "nobody woves me"! The main cause for this rant is that I used to enjoy coming to work because I also had good friends here. It was fun to laugh and chat or do stuff. Nowadays, I just come to work; and rush to leave work to climb (or run) - although this was a major increase in productivity, it just turned work into a big "meh" **.

** Now if this blog was really about graduate programs - I would have commented about the chances of making good friends during phd.