Wednesday, December 21

Happiness only real when shared

Thorin Oakenshield, son of Thráin, son of Thrór, died this morning during the Battle of the Five Armies. Or at least he died in my version of "The Hobbit", which I almost finished reading today.

Because you see, I couldn't finish it. Not this morning, at least.

I never cry. Until everything stacks up and then I cry for everything. And usually what sets it off is either a random book (dumbledore's death is memorable) or a movie (Up for example). And if there's nobody there to distract my attention (very easily done, mind you) I cry and I cry and I cry. Today I cry for being alone, for the silence on the campus (everybody's on leave), for my old dog, for dead friends, for dying friends, for missing my family, for the smell of christmas in my grandmother's house, and for missing Marian, and friends.

And since I'm still tired after the US trip, I am still crying. I stopped briefly this morning, and continued during lunch - while talking to Marian- and then really started again at around 5:30 pm. Cried while driving to the climbing gym. And crying now while writing this.

However, this time I must have banged my head or something - or really froze in the grand canyon - because I feel like going to buy myself a pack of cigarettes and take a nice, long, drag out of one. And then light it, and probably faint because of the toxicity. This is the first time I felt like smoking since I missed the Zurich flight in 2008. I feel guilty and also ready to tell myself to suck it up. And also ready to tell myself to LEAVE ME ALONE!

Ah, first world dilemmas! I got myself addicted to cigarettes, and then I quit, and now poor little me is alone and needs some comfort, and wants to smoke again. Boo hoo hoo.

That being said, depression is a bitch, and no matter how many cool and feel-happy things I do, they are worth absolutely nothing if there's nobody (even a blog, or, a dog :) ) to share them with.


ionuca said...

Why not get a dog? Or a cat! They're not high-maintenance and you can leave them alone for 2-3 days. Or try to read as much as possible in order to forget about the loneliness.


claudia said...

yeah, i will get a cat next year, me thinks. Taking half a day off today to go read and eat cherries nom nom nom.

sujana said...

Hey, nice blog! Reading a good book helps as a great distraction sometimes :)

Suzi said...

Tine-te tare, Claudia, mai dureaza foarte putin si se termina, s-a demonstrat stiintific ca lumea e mai depresata in perioadele astea cu luminitze pe strada si reclame cu familii vesele.
De fapt multa lume vineaza gindaci de bucatarie pe dupa frigidere sau sta la televizor si vede filme proaste.
Nu esti singura in sensul trist al cuvintului, ai o groaza de prieteni, ai familie si pe Marian, chiar daca nu-s linga tine, ii ai, asta conteaza cel mai mult.

Tigarile nu ajuta, dar (stiu ca suna ca dracu), daca poti sa o faci ca o pe chestie de indulgenta "medicinala", ia fumeaza bea sau ce vrei, pe urma trece si gata, vine primavara, sau toamna ma rog!:)

Adica get loose oleaca, prinde bine in vremuri de restrishte!
Te imbratishez cu drag!

claudia said...

ai dreptate suzi. ma simt tare prost ca ma plang asa woe is me, woe is me. dar usor usor aflu ca e mai bine daca let go si plang si whatever decat daca stau pe metereze. Ca sa vezi ce constatare :) Pupici multi!

Juan Carlos said...

It's a beautiful experience

Juan Carlos said...

it's a beautiful experience

Allison said...

I've been through being depressed. It will get better.