Saturday, September 26

Smoking

A couple of nights ago was the first time I dreamed that I was smoking. I quit smoking about 4 years ago, on the 31 of December 2005, the day we left romania to come to singapore. I quit for two reasons: a) I wanted to pursue mountaineering and trekking and I knew that in order to do this properly I had to quit; and b) it was a much too expensive habit to sustain here. I did not use any special methods, I just quit cold turkey. And started running. And dieting (to prevent weight gain). Quitting smoking was the best thing I ever did for myself, surpassing trimming my eyebrows, drinking less alcohol (to almost none), rarely eating pork, and moving away from home. This is because it opened up a whole new set of things that I could do, like climbing, trekking, running, and sports in general, as well as the ability to be in control of my body again.


In the dream I was sitting at a table with an unknown couple. They were smoking and there was a pack of cigarettes on the table as well as an ashtray. I took one cigarette and lit up and almost drained the thing from two or three drags. I felt the tightness in my lungs and the smoke in my mouth like it was for real. In the morning i woke up with the bitter taste of nicotine in my mouth and a feeling of sore throat and tight lungs. I woke up because in the dream I was thrashing myself for smoking, something along the lines of "there you go, all this work for nothing, you go ahead and waste it in two seconds flat!!!". I was feeling super ashamed in the dream, and this feeling prolonged in the waking state. I have never felt more ashamed and more of a loser as in those few minutes after waking up. I felt a bit better once i realized that it was all a dream and I had not smoked the cigarette for real, but I still feel shook and utterly ashamed even days after that. I realize that the dream is maybe a consequence of the stressful current times, and i do feel better once I have finally managed to tell somebody write about it, but it was still a shaky experience.

It just goes to show that cigarettes, as with all bad things in life, leave a mental addiction that is much much powerful and ingrained than the physical one.

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